SERMON PREACHED BY THE REVEREND DR. HAROLD T. LEWIS, RECTOR

CALVARY EPISCOPAL CHURCH, PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA

AT THE MARRIAGE OF ASHLEY MEREDITH DALTON TO MARK RYAN FORSYTH

SATURDAY 30 MAY 2009

“Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience.”  (Colossians 3:12)

I have had the pleasure of knowing Mark for only a few short months, but I have known Ashley for the thirteen years that I have been rector of this parish, so I can honestly say that I have watched her grow up.  Of all the memories of her that come to mind, one stands out. It was in June, several years ago, the year that Ashley graduated from high school.  It was Youth Sunday, and she had been chosen to deliver the sermon that morning.  At about a quarter to the hour, she appeared at the sacristy door, bouncy and vivacious as always.  She announced that her prom had been the night before, and that she was, therefore, seriously sleep-deprived, but we certainly couldn’t tell from her demeanor or from the excellent sermon she delivered.  It was spiritual, inspirational, and heartfelt, but above all was marked by a spirit of enthusiasm often lacking even among those of us who preach for a living. Ashley brings these same gifts to every event in her life, and I am sure that Mark will attest that their marriage is no exception.

For his part, Mark, a fun-loving guy, shares the qualities that attracted him to Ashley, but friends will agree that he is just a tad more serious. And just as well.  Mr. Forsyth, I predict, will provide from time to time a needed reality check, especially on those occasions when Mrs. Forsyth feels the need to emulate her patron saint Imelda Marcos and buy seven identical pairs of shoes (in different colors, of course) because they were on sale!

Now that we’re talking about what to wear, I want to bring your attention to the epistle that the couple chose to be read this afternoon, from St Paul’s letter to the Colossians.  It is the section of the epistle that I call “Dressing for Marital Success.”  He tells Ashley and Mark what to wear.  He tells them to clothe themselves with compassion, kindness, meekness, patience and forbearance.  And with your indulgence, I’d like to say a few words about each of these items of marital apparel.

Compassion means “feeling with” another person --- that person’s joy as well as pain.  This is why in the marriage service we pray that the couple will give help and comfort to one another in prosperity as well as adversity.  Now for husband and wife to clothe themselves in kindness should be a no-brainer.  Aren’t all couples kind to each other as a matter of course?  Well, maybe not. The fact is that the intimacy that marriage affords means that we know what makes each other tick, we know each other’s sore spots, our respective vulnerabilities.  And we all walk around with a quiverful of arrows, and every now and then, we (present company excluded, of course) remove the poisoned one, take aim and shoot it.

Putting on meekness means that we realize that in marriage, it’s not “all about me.”  Rather, it is “all about us.”  Striving for so-called equality in marriage may sound noble, and may warm the hearts of feminists, but it may be an unrealistic goal.  Keeping score of how many times each party gets up to feed the baby at night, or how many times the garbage is taken out (in my household, by the way, that is a gender-specific --- read “male” task) or how many times in-laws visit, is ultimately unhelpful.  Meekness means taking turns being the underdog or the inconvenienced one.  The sport at which every married couple should excel is leapfrog!  Patience means everything from waiting for one’s spouse to ready himself or herself for a party (I have learned to bide the time by playing the piano) to waiting for our partner to come to a conclusion about a major decision --- and then perhaps agreeing to disagree!

Also, Ashley and Mark should clothe themselves with forbearance.  That just means that each party must learn to put up with the other, warts and all.  Metaphors like “two hearts beating as one” and “two peas in the pod” are not especially helpful. Many a marriage has failed because one or the other party tries to fashion the other in his or her image.  Advice: “Don’t major in the minors.”

But wait, there’s more!  Paul says “Forgive each other, as the Lord has forgiven you.” I guess Paul might have taken a peek at one of the prayers we’ll read: “Give them grace, when they hurt each other, to recognize and acknowledge their fault, and to seek each other’s forgiveness and yours.”  I always like to point out the adverb “when”.  It doesn’t say “if” or “in the unlikely event that.”  In a marriage or any other intimate relationship, it’s inevitable that one party will get on the other’s very last nerve from time to time, whether the argument is over who spent too much money or how the toilet paper should hang.  We must remember that arguments do not signal the demise of the marriage, but demonstrate that issues are being worked on.  The priest to whom I used to make my confession used to say, after he pronounced absolution, “I remember nothing.”  The mystery of the ages is that many a spouse cannot remember what they had for dinner last night, but can recall, verbatim, an untoward remark made about one’s mother-in-law twenty years ago! A little amnesia goes a long way in a marriage.  The phrase I will forgive but I’ll never forget” ---- very bad theology, by the way ---- should be stricken from every married person’s vocabulary.

And Paul ends his wardrobe instructions with “Put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

I have gotten to know Mark and Ashley over the past several months, and can attest that they are level-headed, and for that reason, do not subscribe to what I call the fairy tale approach to marriage.  Now every fairy tale begins with “once upon a time.”  And ends with “they lived happily ever after.”  In between, there is some danger that threatens the damsel in distress.  It could be a poisoned apple, a dragon or a witch.  Then Prince Charming (that’s Mark) comes along and rescues the damsel, and as a reward wins her hand in marriage --- and presumably the rest of her as well.  Then they live happily ever after. In fairy tale marriages, you see, the bad stuff always happens before the marriage, but in real life marriages, they can and often do happen after the marriage takes place.  In fairy tale marriages, the couple live happily ever after because they are married.  In real life, they live happily ever after if they work at it.

We have every confidence that Ashley and Mark, following St. Paul’s helpful advice, will so clothe themselves that their home may truly be a “haven of blessing and of peace.”  AMEN.