SERMON PREACHED BY THE REVEREND DR. HAROLD T. LEWIS, RECTOR
CALVARY EPISCOPAL CHURCH, PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA
AT THE MARRIAGE OF TIFFANY NICOLE CALLOWAY
AND MAX WEISNER STARKS IV
IN ST. PHILIP’S CHURCH, COLUMBUS, OHIO
SATURDAY 27 JUNE 2009
“And the rain fell, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded upon the rock.” (Matthew 7:25)
Today, in the words of Bishop Richard Martin, is “an high day in Zion.” There’s no doubt about it. This is a power wedding if there ever was one. We have all made our pilgrimage even unto Columbus, to see this thing that has come to pass. We have gathered in this holy place to celebrate the marriage of two beautiful people --- Tiffany Nicole Calloway, a young woman who has already distinguished herself as an outstanding, Board-certified physician, and Max Weisner Starks IV, once known as “the Gentle Giant,” who, as an offensive tackle for the Pittsburgh Steelers, is the proud owner of two Super Bowl rings. We know this is a special day, too, because it has required not one, not two, but three priests to solemnize this event. One of them, my dear friend Nelson Pinder, is the priest who baptized the groom 27 years ago. Today, however, Father Pinder will not attempt to pick Max up and hold him in his arms.
As Max and Tiffany leave this place this afternoon, united in holy matrimony, we hope that they will be inspired by the Gospel lesson which we have just read. In some ways, it is a strange lesson for a marriage. There is no mention of love, peace, happiness, all the stuff that marriage is supposed to be made of. No, instead, Jesus tells us a parable in which he presents us with two stories: one of a wise man who built his house upon a rock, and the other of a foolish man who built his house on sand. Now both houses were assaulted by brutal weather. Matthew tells us that the rain fell, and the floods came, and winds blew and beat on both houses. The house on sand couldn’t withstand the torrents, and it fell, and great was the fall of it. But the house built on rock did not fall, because it had been built upon the rock.
Now one thing I remember from my confirmation class almost fifty years ago is that a parable is an earthly story with a heavenly meaning. And I think even a Sunday School child could figure out the heavenly meaning of this parable and how it speaks to marriage. Storms and rain and winds can visit a marriage just like they do to a house. Sometimes it’s financial worries (it is said that when poverty comes in the door, love goes out the window)! Other times it’s meddlesome friends and relatives who give you advice and insist on getting into your business; sometimes it’s another man or woman. Sometimes, as Ann Landers tells us, marital discord stems from heated discussions about how the toilet paper should be hung. What we can learn from this parable is that the ability to withstand these problems and others will depend upon whether a marriage is built on sand or upon a rock.
Now I know Tiffany and Max, and I can vouch for the fact that their marriage is built upon a rock, and this afternoon I want to tell you what that rock consists of. I want you to listen very carefully, because there will be a quiz at the reception.
First, a marriage is built on Faith. I know that this ingredient is present. Tiffany and Max were nurtured in the bosom of the church. It is part of who they are. For this couple, church is not someplace to come merely to be “hatched, matched and dispatched.” Church is part of their life; worshipping and praising God is at the center of their existence. As I have conversed with them over the past several months, talk about how God has continued to influence their lives, how God has been a source of strength to them, came naturally to their lips. Max and Tiffany will flourish as a married couple for many reasons, not the least of which is that their faith in God will be the very bedrock of the foundation of their marriage. And since the Steelers in their wisdom have seen fit to keep Max on at least until 2012, that means that they will have this preacher to contend with in the unlikely event that they backslide!
A marriage is built on Forbearance. That just means each party must learn to put up with the other --- warts and all. There are lots of expressions that describe marriage very romantically and sentimentally, such as “two hearts beating as one” or “two peas in a pod.” Such expressions are not particularly helpful; in fact they are downright misleading. A marriage brings together two different and distinct individuals who share a life together, and the hymn that the bride and groom should sing to each other on their wedding day is “Just as I am, without one plea.” Many a marriage has failed because one or both parties tries to fashion the other in his or her own image. A happy couple will learn not to “major in the minors.”
A marriage is built on Forgiveness. In a few moments, we will hear the words “Give them grace, when they hurt each other, to recognize and acknowledge their fault, and to seek each other’s forgiveness and yours.” Note the adverb “when.” It doesn’t say, “if” and it certainly doesn’t say “in the unlikely event that.” We know that living in proximity and intimacy means that disagreements will arise. Arguments are not a sign of the demise of the marriage, by the way, but a sign that issue are being vented in order that the air may be cleared. The priest to whom I used to make my confession always, just before the absolution, would say “I remember nothing.” (Much to my relief!) A little amnesia goes a long way in a marriage. One of the great mysteries of the ages is that a spouse who cannot remember what the couple had for dinner the night before can nevertheless recall verbatim an unwelcome or untoward comment made twenty years earlier. You see, living together means that we know our partners well, including their Achilles’ heels --- or in the words of the Psalmist, their “downsittings and their uprisings.” We know exactly what it is that will get on their very last nerve, and all too often, we are able to remove a poisoned arrow from our quiver and take deadly aim --- present company excluded, of course. By the way, the phrase, “I will forgive but I’ll never forget” is very bad theology ---- should be stricken from every married person’s vocabulary.
A marriage is built on Fidelity. We have heard Max and Tiffany recite their vows, that forsaking all others, they will be faithful to each other as long as they both shall live. This is not merely a proscription against adultery, although it is that. It also means that one’s spouse is, after God, one’s primary obligation, taking precedence over everything and everybody else, including, indeed especially, parents. It is for good reason that Genesis tells us that we should leave our father and mother and cleave unto our spouse. A lot of us are good at leaving but not cleaving. We don’t learn the lesson that the family that is important after marriage is the family started by the newly married couple, not either family of origin. Those willing to leave their parents’ homes physically but not emotionally do so at their peril.
Lastly, a marriage is built on Frivolity. One of the purposes of marriage is to have a good time. The very first thing we say about marriage in this service is “the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy.” It’s all right to have a good time, to let your hair down, to enjoy each other’s company. This is exactly what God intended! In a healthy marriage, one party does not have to ask the other “Are we having a good time yet?” They are always having a good time! Loosening up, lightening up, throwing caution to the wind every now and then is good for the soul. The marriage vows do not constitute a life sentence, but a lifelong commitment to happiness, so that life can indeed be a sign of Christ’s love to this broken and sinful world.
P.S.: As you know, every fairy tale begins with the words, “Once upon a time,” and ends with the words “They live happily ever after.” Between “once upon a time” and happily ever after” there is some kind of calamity, in the form of a witch, a poisoned apple or a dragon. Along comes Prince Charming (that would be Max) who rescues the damsel in distress, and for his efforts, wins the damsel’s “hand” in marriage (presumably the rest of her comes along with it as well).
I bring this up to point out that any similarities between fairy tale marriages and real life marriages are purely coincidental. In fairy tale marriages, all the bad stuff happens before the marriage, and the couple lives happily ever after because they are married. In real life marriages bad stuff can and does happen after the marriage, and the couple lives happily ever after because they work on it daily, in faith and forbearance, practicing forgiveness and fidelity, and throwing in a little frivolity for good measure.
We are certain that Tiffany and Max have pondered all these things in their hearts long before now, and we are confident that by God’s grace, their marriage, built upon a rock, will be able to withstand whatever winds and rains and storms befall them, so that their home may truly be a “haven of blessing and of peace.” AMEN.