SERMON PREACHED BY THE REVEREND DR. HAROLD T. LEWIS, RECTOR
CALVARY EPISCOPAL CHURCH, PITSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA
AT THE MARRIAGE OF RHAMADAN SCOTT AND ANNE MARIE SIMMONS
SATURDAY 24 OCTOBER 2009
“A threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
Ecclesiastes is a little-known book of the Old Testament tucked in between Proverbs and the Song of Solomon. Ron and Anne have rescued it from obscurity by choosing a lesson from it to be read at their wedding this morning. It is not a lesson from the smorgasbord of lessons suggested by the Prayer Book, but it is, nevertheless, instructive and inspirational. In fact, if we listen to it carefully, it has much to say to us about the foundations of a sound marriage. And mind you, the advice given is not just for Anne and Ron, but for all of us --- whether we are contemplating getting married, recently married, recently unmarried, or married for decades!
The first thing the lesson teaches us about marriage is that we get married because we need help. Many of us have a hard time admitting this. Somewhere along the way, we get the message that success is built on self-reliance, pulling oneself up by one’s own bootstraps. Many of us had to memorize William Ernest Henley’s poem, “Invictus,” with the words, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” Good poetry; bad theology. We are not in charge of our fate. We do not determine our future. We are ultimately not in control. Some of you flew to Pittsburgh for this wedding. Every time we board a plane, we put our lives in the hands of scores of people we have never met --- pilots, mechanics, air traffic controllers. Our life is built on interdependence, not self-sufficiency.
This is why this morning’s lesson says “If they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe be unto who is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him get up.” The words of the marriage service concur with this idea. “The union of husband and wife in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity.” It means a husband or a wife is someone in whom we can confide, someone whom we can trust, someone with whom we can be real, exhibiting warts and all. And yet, too many married couples are in competition with each other, keeping score of everything --- how much each spouse makes, how much child care each provides, how often and for how long in-laws come to visit, how many times each took out the garbage. (The last of these never comes up in my household, where all garbage-related duties are gender-specific.) I have seen couples who are so obsessed about equality in a marriage that they figure out that equality can only be achieved by separation! The writer of Ecclesiastes has something in common, I think, with St. Paul, who tells the Corinthians “Love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.” [I Cor. 13:4-6] Our friends in the actuarial business tell us that married people live longer. I believe it is because married people have someone not only to live with, but to live for, someone with whom we can withstand the vicissitudes of life.
The lesson also teaches us that we get married because we seek intimacy. “If two lie together,” says Ecclesiastes, they can have heat. But how can one be warm alone?” Intimacy is a need that human beings have from the womb to the tomb. We never outgrow our need for the warmth, both literal and figurative, of another human being. Do you remember Tom Hanks in “Castaway?” Stranded on a desert island for months on end, and bereft of human company, he develops a relationship with his volleyball Wilson, with whom he has extended conversations. When Wilson began to float away, Tom Hanks risked life and limb to retrieve him! How many people do you know who come to the conclusion that they can’t be warm all by themselves, people who despite worldly success, degrees and pedigrees, desperately seek the love and intimacy that can only come with close relationships? Two kindled coals, placed apart from each other, will each grow cold. But if they are heaped together, they will each warm the other and generate even more heat. The good news is that marriages are up and divorces are down. We’ve finally gotten over the Sixties with its “Make love, not war” approach to life, and see the need and the value of long-term bonds predicated on intimacy. People are praying with the writer of Tobit, the other lesson heard this morning, “Grant that I may find mercy and grow old together.” [Tobit 8:7]
Third, the lesson teaches us that we get married for protection. It’s a cruel world out there, a dog-eat-dog world, one in which the Golden Rule is now defined as “He who has the gold rules.” We have been the victims of terrorists even on our own shores. And we have for some time been engaged in two wars of questionable origin and unclear purpose. Greed and unscrupulousness, as well as some other factors, have resulted in a perilous economy. Closer to home, there are cutthroat colleagues, well-meaning but meddlesome kith and kin, and a host of other folk who can and do rain on our parade. Who wants to face this all alone? Don’t we want the advice and counsel of someone we can trust, of someone who has our best interests at heart? Don’t we need an advocate instead of an adversary?
But then comes the last verse of our lesson which in many ways doesn’t seem to follow. All along, it’s been talking about two people helping each other, keeping each other warm, and so forth, and now all of a sudden there’s this verse about a threefold cord. I would like to suggest that the third cord Ecclesiastes is talking about is God. A marriage derives its strength, in part, from the faith of the couple, the ability to place their hope, their lives, their future in God’s hands, a God who will help them more than they can help themselves, a God who will deepen their intimacy, a God who in the words of the Psalmist, is “our very help in time of trouble.” [Ps. 46:1]
Ron and Ann are, no matter how you slice it, among “the beautiful people,” the “movers and shakers,” the “jet-setters.” They have an exciting life ahead of them, in which they will start off by commuting between London and New York. But today we are not concerned with their celebrity status, or their fame and fortune. They come before us as a couple very much in love, who have found each other. They have discovered that they complement each other --- and you can spell that with an “e” or an “i.” They have discovered that their lives can be greatly enriched. Even if they are somewhat apprehensive about adjusting to each other’s ways, they have discovered that their lives can take on greater meaning as a result of each other’s company and support.
They have come together, too, knowing full well the difference between a fairy-tale marriage and a real-life marriage. In a fairy-tale marriage, there is always some grave danger --- a poisoned apple, a witch or a dragon that threatens the damsel in distress. Along comes Prince Charming --- that would be Ron --- who slays the dragon or witch, thus rescuing the damsel --- for which act he wins her hand in marriage (and presumably the rest of her, as well)! Then, as you well know, they live “happily ever after.” The difference between fairy-tale marriages and real ones is that in fairy tales all the bad stuff happens before the marriage, and the couple live happily ever after because they are married. In real life, of course, bad stuff can and does occur after vows are exchanged, and couples live happily ever after because they make a conscious effort to work on it each day of their married lives.
This morning, Ron and Anne come to each other, and to God, open to the future and to the blessings --- as well as to the uncertainties --- marriage will bring. They come seeking the help, intimacy and protection that a marriage offers. And as they work to ensure that their home is a haven of blessing and of peace, they rely on their inner strength, a little help from their friends, and above all, the grace of God to live happily ever after. AMEN.